Today's Sermon: Marriage Part 5: "Being Single"

Marriage Part 5 – Being Single

Scripture: Proverbs 18:22; First Corinthians 7:1-9; 32-35    

Good morning, Strangers Rest. This is part five of my series on marriage and the title today is “Being Single.” When I started this series I had not anticipated having a message for those of you who are single. But after being asked about it and praying about it, I will share with you a few thoughts on this subject that I believe is Spirit led. I do want to give this disclaimer – a married man telling a single person how to be single is like a man telling a woman, who is not his wife, to submit. I understand where the lines are drawn, so my approach will focus on singles who have a desire to marry one day.

Data shows that the marriage rate has decreased significantly since 1990. In 2016, the median age for a first marriage was 27.4 for women and 29.5 for men, which is roughly seven years older than the median age in 1960. What is also interesting is that the share of adults aged 25 to 54 who are currently married fell from 67% in 1990 to 53% in 2019, while the percentage of single men and women cohabiting more than doubled over that same period. This rise is possibly due to the fact that nearly one half of U.S. adults (48%) believe that couples who live together before marriage increase their chances of having a successful marriage than those who don’t. I share this information with you to demonstrate that a single person desiring to be married faces some unspoken challenges.

Our society places a lot of pressure on single adults who have never been married. It’s almost like something is wrong with a person if they remain single into their late thirties and early forties. And heaven forbid if they are single when they reach the age of fifty – especially for women. If you are a woman and have never been married and you’re in your late forties, someone somewhere has asked you about it. They want to know what the holdup is. Is the problem you or are your standards too high? I heard a lady in Church say that “a piece of a man is better than no man at all.” This was how she really thought about her need for a man. It was that important to her.

When we look at how we raise our children we start planting seeds into the minds of our daughters so that the expectation is that they will marry and produce grandchildren for us. By the time our daughters are toddlers, they will have already been told that one day they will be a beautiful bride and have been given Barbie and Ken dolls to play with. By the time they reach junior high school there is peer-pressure for them to have a boyfriend and from that point on it does not stop. By the time our daughters are in their twenties hints are being dropped as to when they will marry and start having babies and again, it seems to snowball from that point on. However, it is different for boys. Boys grow up doing boy things like playing sports and now, video games. Boys do not grow up being trained to one day be husbands like girls are trained to be wives. You see, our society places the burden on the female “to find a husband” and this is the problem. Solomon said, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD.”  (Proverbs 18:22) Don’t get this twisted – he did not say, “She who finds a husband….” So, ladies if you want to be married, think about allowing yourself to be “found” versus you doing the “finding.” 

As I said at the beginning, I will be focusing on those singles who have a desire to be married. It is important to note that not every single person has a desire to be married and that is okay if they are a Christian and can keep from sinning. Yes, even though society says that it is normal and acceptable, God says sex outside of marriage is a sin punishable by eternal separation from Him without repentance. And by repentance I mean the Bible’s definition of repentance which is to stop, turn around and go in a different direction – not pause until the next time you have a chance to do it. So, if you are a Christian and you cannot contain yourself, you should marry to keep your soul out of hell.

But going back to what society tells us. There is a fundamental belief that never getting married is a major failure, especially since God made woman for man. Based on God making Eve to complement Adam, there is a belief that a person cannot be whole unless they are married. This is not true. In fact, I am going to show you in God’s word that is it fine to be single if you can do so without acting like you’re married. There are some advantages to being single. Turn with me to First Corinthians chapter seven and we will begin reading at verse one. I wanted to start here so that you would see that this was also an issue for the Church at Corinth. They had written to Paul asking him about the proper relationship a man and woman should have, and we are going to read his answer in the following verses. I will be reading from the Amplified Bible beginning at verse one of First Corinthians chapter seven. It says, “(1) Now as to the matters of which you wrote: It is good (beneficial, advantageous) for a man not to touch a woman [outside marriage]. (2) But because of [the temptation to participate in] sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband….. (6) But I am saying this as a concession, not as a command…. (8) But I say to the unmarried and to the widows, [that as a practical matter] it is good if they remain [single and entirely devoted to the Lord] as I am.” (First Corinthians 7:1-2, 6, 8 Amp) In these verses Paul explains that if a person cannot contain themselves, refrain from sex outside of marriage, they should marry. However, in verse eight, he says it would be good if they remained single and thus be devoted to the Lord. So, we see here that there is no distain for the person who chooses not to marry. In fact, it could have some benefits. Let’s continue with verse thirty-two.

“(32) But I want you to be free from concern. The unmarried man is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; (33) but the married man is concerned about worldly things, how he may please his wife, (34) and his interests are divided. The unmarried woman or the virgin is concerned about the matters of the Lord, how to be holy and set apart both in body and in spirit; but a married woman is concerned about worldly things, how she may please her husband. (35) Now I say this for your own benefit; not to restrict you, but to promote what is appropriate and secure undistracted devotion to the Lord.”  (First Corinthians 7:32-35) In these verses Paul makes it clear that a single person has the freedom to focus on the things of God without distraction. If a person is married their focus is divided on their family and the things of God. So, if you are single and have no desire to marry and you’re not living in sin, you do well. Now let’s get into the heart of this message to those who are single and desire to be married.

I shared with you the data about the current rate of marriages falling and how almost half of U.S. adults believe that it beneficial to cohabitate before marriage as, in their minds, it increases the likelihood of having a successful marriage. I want to address this before I go further. Because I will answer to God for every word I preach to you, I cannot side with society on anything that is contrary to the word of God. In Romans 13:13, from the King James Bible, Paul makes the following statement, “Let us walk honestly, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying.” I want you to focus on the word “chambering.” In the Greek, chambering means “cohabitation.” Cohabitation is not the will of God for Christians.

Unfortunately, more Christians today than ever before see cohabitation as acceptable. Living together before marriage is the new normal for many adults in their romantic journey research show that the most common reasons given are “convenience, financial benefits, or to ‘test a relationship.’” When Satan approached Eve in the Garden, he presented a counterfeit of God’s covenant and I believe that living together before marriage is the same, a counterfeit as living together before marriage does not carry this same commitment as marriage. Scholar Galena Rhoades writes, “But by living together already, both parties have likely developed a thought pattern of ‘what if this doesn’t work out,’ thinking you could just move out and move on, which can undermine that sense of commitment that is essential to a thriving marriage.” Although 48% of US adults believe that living together before marriage increases the likelihood of a successful marriage, research shows just the opposite. Research suggests a correlation between couples who live together and higher divorce rates after marriage. This would make sense because living together is, by definition, a commitment with an easy out. It is a commitment that is built on the premise that one or both parties have the option of leaving without the messiness of divorce. So, instead of practicing for marriage, living together can in fact lay an unstable foundation for marriage.

Now, if you remove sex before marriage and cohabitation from the table at the beginning of the relationship, what does that leave you? Well, the short answer is that it leaves you with you. What do I mean by this? If you are single and are seeking to be married, you must know who you are, what you bring to the table, and that you are not seeking someone to make you something that you are not. In other words, you must be comfortable in your own skin. So, the first question you should ask yourself is “What do I want in a spouse?” I had a group conversation recently and one of the individuals was single. This individual stated that if she were to marry she would be looking for someone who would accept her and be there for her through thick and thin. She gave the example that her ideal spouse would stay with her if she became disfigured outwardly because inside she was the same person. What she was talking about was being loved for who she was versus what she looked like.

When you ask people what they are looking for in a potential spouse the first answer that comes back pertains to attraction. They must be physically attracted to the person for the door to be open for any consideration of a long-term relationship. This physical attractiveness is so high up on the list of must haves that if a Christian is praying and fasting for a spouse and God sends them a person that they are not physically attractive to, most would reject the person. When the man first speaks in Song of Solomon what does he talk about? He speaks to how the woman looks. Song of Solomon 1:9-10 records the man saying, “(9) I have compared you, my love, to my filly among Pharaoh's chariots. (10) Your cheeks are lovely with ornaments, your neck with chains of gold.” I want you to see what he says in verse nine. He said that she was like a “…. filly among Pharaoh's chariots.”  

One writer wrote pertaining to this verse, “This was a common battle tactic at the time – releasing a female horse around the enemy’s chariots. The male horses would get distracted and could no longer pull the chariots. That is what the man said his beloved woman was like – a distraction so powerful, so beautiful that he couldn’t focus on anything else.” Can you now picture this imagery of the attraction? We have all been there. It is amazing that we are programmed to desire someone who might mistreat us if they look good versus someone who would love us fully and are less attractive. But attraction also applies to other areas of our “must haves.” For some people they must have a sense of humor, an excellent job, be intelligent, be sensitive and the list goes on and on. For someone who is single, you must know what your “must haves” are and if they are negotiable.

The second question, after understanding what you want, is to figure out what you need. I know this is going to sound crazy, but are you open to having a need fulfilled by someone you are not initially attracted to? For many people that answer is a resounding “No!” I want to read what the bride says in Song of Solomon chapter one, verse three. She says, “Because of the fragrance of your good ointments, your name is ointment poured forth; therefore the virgins love you.”  (Song of Solomon 1:3) Some commentaries on this verse say it speaks to the bridegroom’s reputation. When the bride professes “…. your name is ointment poured forth; therefore the virgins love you” she is speaking of what she sees that is verified by others. There are times when our infatuation with someone can blind us to what others might be seeing. When we are in this frame of mind we tend to discount the warnings that those who love us are giving us. If you are dating someone that all your closest friends and family are warning you about, are you able to separate your feelings from the situation and be objective? Is this person someone that you “need” to be in a relationship with? Remember there is a distinct difference between wants and needs.

Another question you should ask yourself as a Christian: “What does God want for me?” If you are praying about someone to spend the rest of your life with, do you know what God desires for you? Surely His desire for you is not someone who will ridicule or treat you as beneath them. Surely His desire for you would be someone who will love you and are willing to be there in the good, bad, and ugly times. Surely He would want someone for you whose feelings would not change towards you as your physical looks change as the years go by. Surely God wants the best for you and if you believe this will you settle for anything less? Will you settle because the outside packaging looks great? These are questions that a single Christian person must answer as they begin to put themselves out there. We all understand how physical attraction can get out of control if we do not practice restraint and this can lead to our entering relationships that we do not “need” to be in. The bride in Song of Solomon recognizes this also.

In Song of Solomon 3:5 the bride states, “I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the does of the field, do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases.” The bride has already been talking about how much she loved this man and how much she was attracted to him. She longed to be with him, but she could see the wisdom that once this process began it had a natural course it would run. Whenever sex enters a relationship it changes the relationship forever. The bride understood that if she opened this door it could easily run out of control. She was talking about restraining the desire that had developed within her. Even though attraction had been aroused, she knew she needed to restrain herself and be patient. So, every Christian single must ask themselves what does God want for them and are they willing to walk steadfast with Him to receive it? This means keeping attraction restrained and not allowing it to make you enter relationships you should not be involved in.

Once a person knows what they want, what their needs are and understand what God desires for them, they are in a much better position to consider dating. Modern dating did not exist in biblical times but based on all Scriptures pertaining to lust and premarital sex, we can assume that if it did exist there would be some safeguards around it. Dating allows a person to discover if their long-term goals align with the person they are with. It also provides an opportunity to see if there is alignment as it relates to personality traits. For Christian singles it can provide the opportunity to spend time with different people who have the same desire to get to know Jesus primarily and don’t need to be married to feel “complete.” This gives them the added benefits of discovering what emotional and spiritual traits are attractive to them.

I want to share with you eight pieces of advice from Tim and Kathy Keller’s book “The Meaning of Marriage.”

1. Recognize that there are seasons for not seeking marriage. There are many times or “seasons” in which active dating and seeking marriage do not have to occur. Anyone who always needs to “have somebody” is probably into marriage idolatry. When you are going through a significant transition, starting a new job, starting a new school, dealing with the death of a parent, or some other absorbing time or event, it might not be a suitable time to begin a relationship. During times of healing or regrouping, you probably need deep Christian friendship more than dates and ideas of marriage.

2. Understand the gift of singleness. Paul calls singleness a gift. “For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that.” (First Corinthians 7:7) Paul always uses the word “gift” to mean an ability God gives to build up others. Paul is not speaking, then, of some kind of elusive, stress-free state. The “giftedness” of being single for Paul lay in the freedom it gave him to concentrate on ministry in ways that a married man could not.

3. Get more serious about seeking marriage as you get older. As we get older, there is a tendency for most people to increasingly think, “if you are going out with me, you are thinking about a serious relationship or marriage.” One of the most painful situations you can be in is when one of you thinks the dating is to consider a meaningful relationship and the other person thinks it is just for social fun and entertainment. The older you are, and the more often you go out, the quicker both people must be to acknowledge if they are seeking marriage.

4. Do not allow yourself deep emotional involvement with a non-believing person. The Bible everywhere assumes that Christians will marry Christians. Paul wrote in Second Corinthians 6:14, “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” God’s concern is not about marrying outside of one’s race but outside of one’s faith. If your partner doesn’t understand your Christian faith, then he or she doesn’t understand it as you do, from the inside. And if Jesus is central to you, then that means your partner doesn’t understand you. If you marry someone who doesn’t share your most deeply held and core beliefs, then you will repeatedly make decisions that your partner won’t be able to comprehend at all. That part of your life - and it is the most important part - will forever be cloudy and mysterious to your spouse.

5. Feel “attraction” in the most comprehensive sense. Paul teaches that attraction is a key factor in choosing to be married. He wrote, “But if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (First Corinthians 7:9) But let us go a step further, call it “comprehensive attraction.” What is it? Partly it is being attracted to someone’s character or spiritual fruit. Galatians 5:22-23 says, “(22) But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, (23) gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.” When you see these fruits evident in a person’s life it can be extremely attractive. Marriage partners can say, “I see what you are becoming and what you will be (even though, frankly, you aren’t there yet). The flashes of your future attract me.” This is the kind of comprehensive attraction you should be looking for in a future partner.

6. Don’t let things get too passionate too quickly. Modern dating and hook-ups get sexual quickly, and when it happens a romantic obsession can arise immediately. That sort of experience tends to preclude a realistic assessment of who the person really is. The kind of love that lasts a lifetime is not only a matter of the emotions. It must be a commitment strong enough to move us to glad, non-begrudging, sacrificial service of another person even during the inevitable seasons when the emotions are dry or cold. That kind of love grows out of this comprehensive attraction to the person’s character, future, and mission in life. One of the ways you can judge whether you have moved past the infatuation stage is to ask a set of questions: (1) Have you been through and solved a few sharp conflicts? (2) Have you been through a cycle of repenting and forgiving? (3) Have you shown the other that you can make changes out of love for one another? One crucial way for you to to avoid the blindness and mood swings of becoming too passionate quickly is to refuse to have sex before marriage. The practical fact is that sexual activity triggers deep passions in you for the other person which will lead to compromises overtime to maintain the relationship.

7. However, also don’t become a faux (fake) spouse for someone who won’t commit to you. While some couples may get too serious too quickly, there are other couples in which one member has a deep reluctance to move forward or to commit to marriage. If a relationship has dragged on for years with no signs of deepening or progressing toward marriage, it may be that one person has found a level of relationship (short of marriage) in which he or she is receiving all that is wanted and feels no need to go to the final stage of commitment.

8. Get and submit to lots of community input. The basic principle is right and important. Marriage should not be a strictly individual, unilateral decision. It is too important, and our personal perspective is too easily skewed. The community has many married people in it who have much wisdom for single people to hear. Singles should get community input at every step of the way when seeking marriage. In fact, I would suggest something further. Christian marriage should be communal. That is, married Christians should look for ways to share their marriages with the singles and other married couples in their community. Think about what an impact that would have! Singles must see how hard and glorious marriage is, not just how satisfying it is. The only way that happens is if married couples share their lives with singles so they can understand what marriage is really like.

So in conclusion, if you are single and you have a desire to be married, know what your need are. Understand your must haves and if they are truly “non-negotiable.” But above all else, seek God and His guidance. He wants the best for you and His best might not fit your lists of must haves and needs.

Until next time, “The Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift up His countenance on you and give you peace.”  (Numbers 6:24-26)